Lets talk about CHAFFING!!!

********** content warning***********

If you are of a nervous or delicate disposition, please do not continue reading!!

If you are a size 6/8/10 and have no parts of your body that rub together, then this post will be totally irrelevant to you and you will get to the end and think “that’s ten minutes of my life I am not getting back!”

I am what is considered a “larger” lady (personally I like to call a spade a spade and therefore I just openly say I’m fat) I have 40 years of self inflicted body abuse hanging about my body, along with 14 years of carefully controlled upbringing (apart from the sweets I ate that they didn’t know about), 4 kids have ravaged my body and I have had my fair share of yo yo dieting. The result of this is excess body fat, excess skin and generally excess everything.

I expected when I started running that some things would hurt, I ALWAYS ensure that I wear leggings or tights that reach my knees so my thighs cannot rub together, I wear a sports bra that keeps my “bad boys” under house arrest, and I ensure that my socks are well fitting and equally importantly put on well (I have gone through a short period of suffering with blisters, changing sock manufacturer, type, size etc) I firmly believe that if your shoes fit well, you should never get blisters, and apart from a period of a few weeks last year (which was later discovered to be a hole in my trainer) I have not had any blister issues.

Chaffing……. now that is a totally different ball game.  Chaffing is the elephant in the running locker room. Chaffing is not talked about, not mentioned, its a shameful thing (well – some chaffing is!)

Everyone knows that men need to protect their nipples, we have all seen the photos on marathon day of men with red streaks down the front of their tops. I have of people wearing shorts under their skirts to stop thigh rub, I have seen some truly gruesome photos of ladies with under boob rub which looks beyond hideous. But I have never, ever suffered with any of those simple types of chaffing. Oh no, not me, I would encourage under boob chaffing, I would love to have thigh rub instead of what I have.

I wear dark leggings because I get “butt crack chaffing”  yes, you read that correctly, “butt crack chaffing” I have been running for two years and only once have I heard of anyone else having “butt crack chaffing”.  Why the dark leggings? because my butt crack chafes so much that I generally return home from a run with a skid mark down my underwear that wasn’t caused by farting.  (sorry, its pretty gross I know)  As if that isn’t enough, when you get into the shower post run, the water seems to naturally trickle down the cavern that is my butt crack and its stings like a bitch. I have on more than several occasions cried with pain as I shower off at the end of just a few miles running.

Runners talk about many things when they run, they talk about peeing, and poop, and puke, they even talk about chaffing, but I can honestly say “hey, does anyone else get Butt crack chaffing” is not a question that has ever been raised at any of the beginners sessions I have attended, or the club run sessions I have attended, or even at the “marathon symposium Q&A sessions” I have sat through.

At the GNR I saw many lovely marshals and first aid attendants with pots of Vaseline available for chaffed runners to stick there fingers in and apply to their chaffed areas. How the flying fuck are you supposed to do that when its your butt crack that’s chaffed? some things just should not be done in public and shoving two fingers of lube round the rivers of Babylon is definitely not one of them.

I have tried cotton pants, nylon pants, loose pants, tight pants, no pants (eww), thongs (double eww) boxers, big girl pants, teeny weeny pants, mens pants, specially designed no chaffing pants, and still the issue remains.

I have tried Vaseline, wet wipes, sudocream, bepamthon, chub rub and other lotions potions and remedies to no avail.

I have even tried running with bog roll wedged between my cheeks (I wont tell you how embarrassing that was when it fell out several miles in)

I have considered taping my butt cheeks together, taping them apart, I am that desperate to resolve this issue. An issue, might I add that I have never seen in “womens running magazine”, they rang me the other month to ask what they could do to encourage me to restart my subscription, when I said the content was not really relevant to me, all the training plans assume you can run 5k in 30 ish minutes, and all the food and meal plans assume you are not a greedy bitch with no self control, OH and you have never ever mentioned butt crack chaffing – the poor young lady making the call had absolutely no where to go with the conversation other than “no, you are right, I don’t think that subject has ever been covered, but we do cover NORMAL chaffing!”