grateful….

This arrived today, It’s a coaster, not that anyone is allowed to actually put their cup on it, I swear the first person stupid enough to try will have the bloody thing rammed up their arse sideways. I have 4 of these now, one for each of the 4 half marathons I have enjoyed, I have not got one for my first half marathon because I hated it so much I destroyed my run number and can’t now get one done.

Anyway, it was a stark reminder of just how badly I ran (I should really say walked, because in reality I walked most of it)

There were some really lovely things about the weekend, I got to spend a whole weekend with my daughter (something that doesn’t happen often), we got to spend time laughing together, crying together and supporting each other.

But, I was reminded today that on that day, I was pretty shit, and as a result of being pretty shit – the next 12 months of my life will take a different path than I had planned.

Secretly I had envisioned hanging up my trainers and sticking to park run and step up runs occasionally but that is not to be. Now I have to keep on bastard running, and training. I have to keep doing long runs that last fucking hours, but even worse, I have to keep running through the winter when it’s beyond chuffing cold and when the weather is miserable.

It also reminded me of a few good things

How determined (fucking stubborn) I am, having wanted to quit at mile 10, but I had actually managed to finish the course.

How I had been disappointed in myself but managed to smile in most of my finish line photos.

How I have raised strong and determined (fucking stubborn) children

How…. whatever I actually achieve in running, I am not satisfied. In my head I must think I’m Linford fucking Christie or something because no matter what I achieve, a little widget in my head says “really? You can do better than that”

how is that a good thing? I hear you ask, well it’s a good thing because it drives me forward, it makes me keep trying.

The widget in my head doesn’t actually believe this, but it’s probably true, the widget thinks if I keep trying, one day I will actually be happy with my run and I will have a “babe” moment

But for now, I just have “you can do better”

So, here’s (and cheers) to another year of running, another year of miserable evening runs with head torches, and snot running down my face, of bush wees and ice cold butt cheeks, another year of moaning about uphills, (and downhills if I’m honest) of sore feet and expensive trainers, of monotonous training miles and no Sunday lie ins.

Recently, on a workshop at work I was asked what I was grateful for.

I am grateful for

Another year of unbelievably supportive friends 99% of whom can run like gazelles (or at least fast moving wildebeest) rather than a giant tortoise (my current pace) who willingly join me for they joy of hearing me moan.

Another year of trying and occasionally succeeding in improving, of inspiring others and being inspired.

Another year of being able to run. (Physically, financially and emotionally)

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